dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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