Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
