he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
