It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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