and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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