Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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