Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
