Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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