i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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