I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
