got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
