Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just made my gag reflex go away.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
