when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
