4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
