i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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