it was like his penis was on wheels.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
