It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
