Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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