Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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