so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
