I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
