you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
