I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
