you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
