i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
