pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
