A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
