Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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