He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
