I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
