i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
