he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
