The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
