I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Dicks are not precious.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
