Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
