I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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