Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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