why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
