i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
