Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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