last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
