I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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