i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
