Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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