Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
