did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
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