don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
