Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
