Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
