apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
