and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dignity is for republicans.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
