Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
