I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize