Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
