I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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